the aftermath
At 12:17 PM on
Sunday, November 26, 2006
1.
i can't behave as myself as when i'm back in singapore. i don't have as much freedom of being myself. of course i understand that in the hotel line, we have to look good.
believe me when i say this, i put on make up everyday despite hating to wear them everyday. to me, it's an obligation. but i dont care because apparently even with all the make up everyday, my skin is still turning out alright.
-fingers crossed-
the point is: i can't be pamela. i have to restraint my actions.my words.mild down my personality for fear that people at work would criticise me for my actions and words if i don't.
i have always thought and believed that i have a super-hyper-and-loud-and-bubbly personality, and for that, i loved myself for. but being here, i am unable to be the self that i have always been. i miss being myself. i miss myself. it may sound crazy but believe me. try being not yourself for 2 months odd, you're gona start missing yourself too.
2.
the
true the leaves are turning pretty and all.
so what! like i give a
3.
i don't understand why i've been feeling this the whole time i'm here. i always thought that i am a person who would embrace changes openly with open arms. someone who wouldn't mind trying out new things or in a new environment because i thought myself to be a strong and independent person who can survive the changes. true i've survived alright. i survived for 2 months odd. but so what? as if i enjoy myself.
then you know what i tell myself sometimes?
so what if you don't enjoy it pam? as long as you survive this. that's the whole point right?
then i think about it again.
and i come to a conclusion.
no.
i have to enjoy what i am doing.
that was how i wanted to live my life.
that was why i chose poly over jc despite knowing my parents wanted me to do jc.
that was why i chose hospitality over other courses that my parents might have wanted me to take.
that was why i joined SU activities despite needing to sacrifice so much time and energy into it.
that was also why i chose OSIP over SIP because i THOUGHT that i would enjoy myself doing OSIP.
yea damn right i am.
i'm bloody enjoying myself now.
i hate myself. in LOVE,
pr social butterfly pam